1) Mother's should keep their fingernails as short as possible. Why you say? Because poop will find it's way under them no matter how hard you try to avoid that scenario. And your baby will laugh as you gag.
2) The books tell you you can 'bite off your baby's long fingernails.' Tried this, impossible. You will also have visions of clipping off your baby's finger every time you use those little baby nail clippers. It will induce a panic attack.
3) You will have NO memory of the first two weeks at home. None.
4) You will spend a good amount of time giving your baby a bath, putting lotion on him, picking out the cutest outfit, wiggling him into it and then you'll sit your baby up in his carseat ready to leave on your trip. He will then throw up all down the front and when you pick him up to see if you can salvage the outfit you'll realize he's pooped all over himself too. The process starts all over again.
5) You will vow to yourself that you won't let the baby lay there and cry. The whole first few weeks you do everything with one hand while your baby cries in the other. You'll do your best to quiet him while you make his bottle one-handed. Then your baby will become almost three months old and at 4 a.m. while you're holding a thrashing 12 pound, 2 foot long, screaming infant you'll say to yourself 'This is ridiculous.' Then you'll take that thrashing creature and lay him in his bed so you can prepare said bottle quickly and efficiently and think to yourself 'That was so much easier and quicker!'
6) Your most favorite thing in the world will be when you go in to either put your baby to bed or get them up in the morning and they look up at you with the biggest, toothless grin ever. Then you forget all the spit up, poop and thrashing.